Domestic Violence: Why does she stay?
Domestic Violence hotline:
1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Why does she stay?
The most common question asked about domestic violence victims is “Why does she stay?”
The question shows the misunderstanding of the dynamics of domestic violence. And it shows the tendency to blame the victim. Asking why she stays–puts the responsibility back on the victim, and is often followed with the statement, “She must like it.”
A more appropriate question would be, “Why is the abuser abusing?”
Women stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. They do not stay because they “want to be abused.”
A battered woman may believe:
• His violence is temporary.
• With loyalty and love, she can make him change.
• His promises that it will “never happen again”.
• It’s her responsibility to keep the family together.
• There will be more good times.
Fear is a major factor.
Many women believe their abusers’ threats. She believes he will kill her if she leaves him.
The percent of female murder victims killed by their intimate partners has remained at about 30 percent since 1976.
(Bureau of Justice Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence, May 2000)
She may fear:
• More severe abuse.
• Retaliation if he finds her.
• Destruction of her belongings or home.
• Harm to her job or reputation.
• Stalking.
• Charging her with a crime.
• Harming children, pets, family or friends.
• His committing suicide
• Court or police involvement.
At times, women may leave the relationship. She may return when he begs her to come back, or when she can not find the resources to live on her own. She may return because she loves him.
The average battered woman leaves 7 to 8 times before permanently leaving a relationship.
Other reasons women stay in relationships include:
Economics
• Few job skills.
• Limited education or work experience.
• Limited cash.
• No access to bank account.
• Fear of poverty.
Pressure from community of faith/family.
• Family expectation to stay in marriage “at any cost”.
• Family denial of the violence.
• Family blame her for the violence.
• Religion may disapprove of divorce.
• Religious leader may tell her to “stay and pray”.
Guilt/self doubt
• Guilt about failure of the relationship.
• Guilt about choosing an abuser.
• Feelings of personal incompetence.
• Concern about independence.
• Loneliness.
Concern for Children
• Abuser may charge her with ‘kidnapping’ or sue for custody.
• Abuser may abduct or abuse the children.
• Questions whether she can care for and support children on her own.
• Fears losing custody of her children.
• Believes children need a father.
Lack of community support
• Unaware of services available to battered women.
• Lack of adequate child care.
• Few jobs.
• Negative experiences with service providers.
• Lack of affordable housing.
• Isolated from community services.
• No support from family and friends.
Women in abusive relationships sometimes ask:
Will it get better? Studies show that over time, without intervention, abuse in the home gets more frequent and more violent.
Is it my fault? No. Abuse is always wrong and it is a crime. The victim is never to blame. There is no excuse for domestic violence.
Can I fix it? No. Only the abuser can stop his violent behavior. Qualified batterer intervention programs may provide knowledge and skills to stop his violent behavior, but only the abuser can decide whether he will use them or not.
